What an Emotional Few Weeks...

Hello all! Hope all has been well for everyone!

So lately I have been feeling very overwhelmed with emotion due to many different things. For starters, I would really like to be out on on my own in my own house where I can decorate amd paint and have as many pets as I want hehe. But alas, I managed to fuck that up earlier in my life with credit cards and student loans and so forth and so on. Luckily I have the most amazing Dad any one could ever ask, (and an amazing step mom aka bubble EVER) who has always bailed me out of any sticky situation I have managed to get myself into, whether it be with my car breaking down, co signing for a loan to pay off all my stupid mistakes or just gas money on weeks were times are tight. But that still doesn't negate the fact that I want my own place... * sigh* I suppose there is a time and place for everything, and hopefully my time will be soon, damnit!

Then there is the fact that after 7.5 years, the boyfriend has finally started stepping up! We had a great start to our relationship, but after about year 4 we kind of hit some rocks followed by some bad break ups and then reconnecting again, and giving us another shot, which has all lead us to here and now. He has finally gotten his license, has a car, got a mini promotion at work and is actually thinking and talking about going back to school! ROMEO Where have you been all my life!!! :-D He is making a conscious effort to be a better person and although small steps now I have faith that all will work out in the end! He really is the cheese to my macaroni... even if he is just Velveeta.... ;-D JK Babe! Love u!

Last Friday was a friends birthday... He happens to not be here anymore to celebrate, but is now in a better place where he has no demons. Why is it that you always consider someone just a friend and then when they are gone, you realize that person really touched your life in one way or another, whether small or big. Like I said in my first post, there is a reason people come into your lives, and I believe that is true about him too. Although our friendship was a very rocky one, we could pick up after not talking for months, and act as if it was just yesterday, he is still very missed, but hey, he's up in heaven looking down all the hot girls shirts, or knowing him, in hell looking up their skirts.

And now onto another person who is no longer here... Tomorrow my mom would have been 62. She lost her battle to cancer on March 10th 2003. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2000, and after bouts with radiation, and chemo, went into remission. Not too long after, she was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer, and again after more chemo, went into remission. Then all hell broke loose, and she suddenly had spots on her lungs, as well as bone and spinal cancer that caused her extreme pain. She was admitted into Hospice on Feb 21st and passed away March 10th. Thank god she passed quietly in her sleep and after a battle like hers, that's what she deserved. Although it has gotten easier over the years, I still miss her terribly. I have an AMAZING step mom who seriously has been brushed by the hands of angels, but there is still that little space that will always be my moms. My dad and I both agree that my mom definitely had something to do with Cindy coming into our lives, and even on her death bed my mom told my dad " Please find someone new to love, and live the rest of your life with her" and she meant it with all her heart and soul, and that is exactly what he did. So Mom, I love you more than you could ever know, and I hope that you are happy up there with your family and friends, and I will see you one day!!

Work has been crazy! We lost our lead back in Sept and have yet to replace her. Supposedly, someone has been hired but her replacement must be hired and trained before she can transfer to our facility from our Oakland facility. So that means I have the joy of doing her job until that day comes. We have all been feeling the brunt of the winter sickness, and all trying to fight it desperately, and knock on wood, so far so good... we shall see how long that lasts though, all good things must come to an end. On another job note, I have picked up a part time job kind of as a "filler" at Dogtopia which is a doggie daycare facility on Tues-Fri after I get done with my FT job. I know it's a bit crazy but I really need to work to get the last of my debts paid off so I can finally be on my own. I am truly blessed to have 2 jobs while some have none. I also work some wknds for SAAG's doing demos in different supermarkets, so I guess in technicality I have 3 jobs, all which pay above minimum wage, Thank God! With the holidays coming up, that also means potential pet sitting jobs, which is always fun! It's a lot of fun to kinda pretend to be on your own with all the amenities that you didn't pay for! haha

Ahhh... I sure do feel better now! :-) Thanks for reading and until next time!

<3>

The People in our lives...

So, I have come to the conclusion that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. We have those people who come into our lives and change us for the better and stick with us through the good, bad and ugly, and we can only hope to hold onto them forever. Then we have those who come into our lives to teach us something about ourselves, and sometimes stay, and sometimes head out to help someone new. And lastly, and most certainly least in my book, are the ones that never should have lasted in our lives as long as they did. You know who I'm talking about, the "Friend" who slept with your boyfriend, the "ex" who has always had your number on speed dial at 4am when he's piss drunk and just wants to get his rocks off.... Yeah, you know who I'm talking about....In my life, I have had all of the above, and thankfully am blessed to say more of the first 2 than the last. By no means am I a saint or even remotely close, but I do pride myself in being a good friend, even if said person hasn't always been there for me. I tend to be brutally honest and on certain days can dish it out with the best of em' but not take it back, just one of my down falls I suppose. 

But that last category still has me a bit perplexed. I do have some of this people in my life and my question to myself more than any of you out there in blogland is this; why can't I walk away? I see that they don't have anything to offer me aside from instant gratification while present but as soon as they walk away, their actions completely negate their words. Yet, for some strange reason, I still hang on. 

I believe I have split personalities when it comes to my point of view on the world. I am an idealist living in a realist's mind. I try to see the good in most people and always give them the benefit of the doubt even when all other fingers point to guilty. And with other instances, I am as straight as an arrow, and no matter which way you slice it, it will end up with the same out come. Sadly, our environment is probably my best example of this. Although everyone has just recently decided to start to drive hybrids and recycle and really put an effort into saving out planet, I feel it's too late. We have started this ripple effect now and there will be many more years before we can even consider it coming to an end and until everyone has decided to change for the better, we will continue to have this ripple effect... Now that I have explained my theory on that, back to my original post....

Maybe that's why I can't walk away and let them go. Because I see the good in everyone, and although I can convince my head to walk away my heart says no. I guess you could say I get attached easily. I have had very important ppl ripped away from me far before it was their time, so I tend to cling to everyone who I love or even like as long as I can, in fear of not having them one day. 

So I guess with the coming of 2010 (holy shit, btw) I think it's time that I start to live my life for me and no one else, question is, how? I suppose all will be known in due time....

PS: None of the examples above are people from my life, just mere examples... :-)